1.        "A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic." - Joseph Stalin
2.        "Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds." - Albert Einstein
3.        "I know I'm paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?" - Tom Clancy.
4.        "I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." - Peter Kaye.
5.        "In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them." - Johann von Neumann
6.        "Never waste a lie when the truth will do." - Jack Clancy
7.        "Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck." - Joss Whedon
8.        "Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting." - Heinlein
9.        43% of all statistics are worthless.
10.        7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
11.        99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.
12.        A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
13.        A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
14.        A bad plan is better than no plan.
15.        A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
16.        A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17.        A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
18.        A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
19.        A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
20.        A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.
21.        A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
22.        A gentleman is a patient wolf.
23.        A good pun is its own reword.
24.        A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl's complexion seem what it ain't.
25.        A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
26.        A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
27.        A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.
28.        A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
29.        A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
30.        A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
31.        A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
32.        A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
33.        A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
34.        A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
35.        A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students
36.        A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.
37.        A witty saying proves nothing.
38.        According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
39.        Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.
40.        Adult: One old enough to know better.
41.        After all is said and done, more is said than done.
42.        Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
43.        All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.
44.        All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
45.        All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
46.        All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
47.        All work and no play, will make you a manager.
48.        Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
49.        Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
50.        An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
51.        An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
52.        Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
53.        Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
54.        Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
55.        Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
56.        Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
57.        Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
58.        Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
59.        Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?
60.        Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
61.        As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
62.        Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
63.        Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
64.        Attitude determines your altitude.
65.        Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
66.        Bad spellers of the world untie!
67.        Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
68.        Batteries not included.
69.        Be good - and if you can't be good, be careful.
70.        Be good; if you can't be good, have fun.
71.        Be naughty - save santa the trip.
72.        Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
73.        Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
74.        Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
75.        Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
76.        Beer - the reason I wake up every afternoon.
77.        Best viewed on my computer.
78.        Better late than really late.
79.        Between two evils always pick the one you haven't tried.
80.        Biology grows on you.
81.        Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
82.        Carpenter's rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
83.        Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.
84.        Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
85.        Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
86.        Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
87.        Clones are people two.
88.        Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
89.        Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
90.        Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
91.        Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
92.        Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
93.        Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
94.        Criminal Lawyer - a redundant phrase.
95.        Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
96.        Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.
97.        Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
98.        Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
99.        Don't argue with a fool. The spectators can't tell the difference.
100.        Don't be humble, you're not that great.
101.        Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
102.        Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
103.        Don't believe everything you think.
104.        Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.
105.        Don't let yesterday take up to much of today.
106.        Don't steal a police car unless you're prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
107.        Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
108.        Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
109.        Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.
110.        Drive defensively - buy a tank.
111.        Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember.
112.        Dyslexics have more fnu.
113.        Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
114.        Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
115.        Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.
116.        Earth first! (We'll strip-mine the other planets later).
117.        Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
118.        Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
119.        Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
120.        Elevators smell different to midgets.
121.        Entropy isn't what it used to be.
122.        Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.
123.        Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
124.        Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
125.        Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.
126.        Every solution breeds new problems.
127.        Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
128.        Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
129.        Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
130.        Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
131.        Everyone leaves the world a little better - some by leaving.
132.        Everything is always okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end.
133.        Examine what is said, not who speaks.
134.        Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
135.        Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
136.        Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
137.        Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.
138.        F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
139.        Failure is not an option - it's a lifestyle.
140.        Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
141.        Failure teaches success.
142.        Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
143.        Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
144.        First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
145.        For a good time, call (415) 642-9483.
146.        For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
147.        For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.
148.        For good, return good. For evil, return justice.
149.        Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
150.        Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.
151.        Friendly fire - isn't.
152.        Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
153.        Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
154.        Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
155.        Frog blast the vent core!
156.        Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in kansas anymore.
157.        Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.
158.        Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
159.        Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.
160.        God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
161.        God made us brothers, but prozac made us friends.
162.        God will forgive me. That's his job, after all.
163.        Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
164.        Half the people you know are below average.
165.        Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
166.        Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.
167.        Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
168.        Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
169.        Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
170.        Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don't like pizza?
171.        Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
172.        How come wrong numbers are never busy?
173.        How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
174.        I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.
175.        I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
176.        I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
177.        I can't spell and beer doesn't help.
178.        I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
179.        I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!
180.        I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
181.        I doubt, therefore I might be.
182.        I drink to make other people interesting.
183.        I have a strong will but a weak won't.
184.        I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
185.        I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
186.        I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
187.        I only drink to make other people more sociable.
188.        I prefer old age to the alternative.
189.        I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
190.        I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
191.        I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
192.        I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
193.        I'd buy you a drink, but i'd be jealous of the straw.
194.        I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
195.        I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
196.        I'm not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.
197.        I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!
198.        I'm not paranoid, they really are after me.
199.        I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up your ass.
200.        If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
201.        If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
202.        If I look confused it's because I'm thinking.
203.        If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
204.        If a man tells a woman she's beautiful she'll overlook most of his other lies.
205.        If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.
206.        If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
207.        If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
208.        If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
209.        If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
210.        If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
211.        If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
212.        If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
213.        If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
214.        If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
215.        If at first you don't succeed, try a shorter bungee.
216.        If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0.
217.        If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
218.        If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.
219.        If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
220.        If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita's, cause that's what he's getting.
221.        If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
222.        If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work 'gay'?
223.        If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
224.        If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
225.        If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
226.        If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!
227.        If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?
228.        If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?
229.        If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
230.        If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
231.        If we don't protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.
232.        If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
233.        If we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
234.        If you are going through hell, keep going.
235.        If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.
236.        If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.
237.        If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
238.        If you can see this, you're not blind, which is a very good start.
239.        If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
240.        If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.
241.        If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
242.        If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
243.        If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
244.        If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
245.        If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
246.        If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
247.        If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
248.        If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
249.        If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
250.        If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
251.        If you're happy, you're successful.
252.        If you're not having fun, then you're not doing it right.
253.        Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.
254.        In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
255.        In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?
256.        In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.
257.        It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
258.        It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
259.        It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
260.        It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
261.        It's better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.
262.        It's like deja vu all over again.
263.        It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
264.        It's people that give drinking a bad name.
265.        It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
266.        Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
267.        Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
268.        Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
269.        Learn from my parent's mistake. Don't have kids!
270.        Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
271.        Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.
272.        Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
273.        Life exists for no known purpose.
274.        Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don't complain about the draught.
275.        Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans.
276.        Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.
277.        Life's a bleach and then you dye.
278.        Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
279.        Logic is in the eye of the logician.
280.        Love is atemporary insanity curable by marriage.
281.        Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
282.        Lunix... Because i'm better than you.
283.        Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
284.        Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
285.        Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
286.        Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand.
287.        Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.
288.        Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
289.        Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
290.        Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
291.        Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. 'No' is the answer.
292.        Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
293.        Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
294.        Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
295.        Most people don't act stupid - it's the real thing.
296.        Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
297.        Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
298.        Never buy a car you can't push.
299.        Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
300.        Never eat yellow snow.
301.        Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
302.        Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
303.        Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.
304.        Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
305.        Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
306.        Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
307.        Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
308.        Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
309.        Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
310.        Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
311.        No good deed goes unpunished.
312.        No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.
313.        No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.
314.        No-one suspects the butterfly!
315.        Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
316.        Not all men are fools... Some are bachelors.
317.        Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
318.        Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
319.        Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
320.        Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you're a cheese.
321.        Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
322.        Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
323.        One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
324.        Only dead fish go with the flow.
325.        Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
326.        Only users loose drugs.
327.        Optimist: Someone without much experience.
328.        People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
329.        Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
330.        Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
331.        Quando omni flunkus moritati - when all else fails, play dead.
332.        Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
333.        Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
334.        Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
335.        Rehab is for quitters.
336.        Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.
337.        Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.
338.        Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
339.        Save water - take a bath with your neighbor's daughter.
340.        Send lawyers, guns and money!
341.        Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
342.        Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
343.        Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
344.        Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
345.        Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
346.        Smith & wesson: the original point and click interface.
347.        Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
348.        Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape.
349.        Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
350.        Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
351.        Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.
352.        Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
353.        Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
354.        Spelling is a lossed art.
355.        Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
356.        Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.
357.        Sure, when... - oink flap oink flap - well I'll be darned!
358.        Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
359.        Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.
360.        Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
361.        Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
362.        The Killer Ducks are coming!
363.        The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.
364.        The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
365.        The beatings will continue until morale improves.
366.        The best things in life aren't things.
367.        The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
368.        The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
369.        The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
370.        The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
371.        The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
372.        The future will be better tomorrow.
373.        The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
374.        The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
375.        The only certain thing in life is death.
376.        The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
377.        The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
378.        The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
379.        The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.
380.        The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
381.        The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
382.        The problem with the future is it turns into the present.
383.        The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
384.        The revolution will not be televised.
385.        The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
386.        The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
387.        The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
388.        The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
389.        The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
390.        The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
391.        The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
392.        The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
393.        The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
394.        There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.
395.        There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
396.        There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
397.        There are three types of people - those who can count and those who can't.
398.        There are two types of people - those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
399.        There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.
400.        There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
401.        There is no time like the pleasant.
402.        There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
403.        There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
404.        They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
405.        They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
406.        Think much, Speak little, Write less.
407.        This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
408.        This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it's dimwit resistant.
409.        This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget.
410.        Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
411.        To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.
412.        To generalize is to be an idiot.
413.        To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
414.        Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
415.        Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
416.        Today's children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!
417.        Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
418.        Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
419.        Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
420.        Too much of everything is just enough.
421.        Tracers work both ways.
422.        Trying is failing with honors.
423.        Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
424.        Unix is user friendly - it's just picky about it's friends.
425.        Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
426.        Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
427.        Vidi, vici, veni. I saw, I conquered, I came.
428.        Viewer discretion may be advised, but it's never really expected.
429.        War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
430.        Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
431.        Wasting time is an important part of living.
432.        We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
433.        We found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all along.
434.        We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
435.        Welcome to Hell. Here's your copy of Windows ME.
436.        Welcome what you can't avoid.
437.        What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
438.        What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
439.        What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
440.        When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
441.        When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I'm beginning to believe it.
442.        When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
443.        When all else fails, admit i'm right and kiss my ass.
444.        When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
445.        When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
446.        When in doubt empty the magazine.
447.        When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.
448.        When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
449.        When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
450.        When someone points skyward, it's the fool that looks at the finger.
451.        When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.
452.        When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
453.        When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
454.        When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
455.        When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
456.        Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
457.        While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
458.        Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
459.        Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
460.        Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
461.        Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
462.        Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
463.        Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
464.        With a rubber duck, you're never alone.
465.        With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
466.        Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
467.        Work is the curse of the drinking class.
468.        Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
469.        Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
470.        Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
471.        You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
472.        You can observe a lot just by watching.
473.        You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
474.        You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
475.        You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
476.        You don't have to explain something you never said.
477.        You don't learn anything the second time a mule kicks you.
478.        You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same.
479.        You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
480.        You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
481.        You're just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.
482.        You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
483.        You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.
484.        Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

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A Nun asked her class to write notes to God.

Here are some they handed in:

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Dear God:

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.

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Dear God:

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You keep the ones You already have?
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God : Hello. Did you call me?

Me: Called you? No.. who is this?


God : This is GOD. I heard your prayers. So I thought I will chat.

Me: I do pray. Just makes me feel good. I am actually busy now. I am in the midst of something.


God : What are you busy at? Ants are busy too.

Me: Don't know. But I can't find free time. Life has become hectic. It's rush hour all the time.


God : Sure. Activity gets you busy. But productivity gets you results. Activity consumes time. Productivity frees it.

Me: I understand. But I still can't figure out. By the way, I was not expecting YOU to buzz me on instant messaging chat.


God : Well I wanted to resolve your! Fight for time, by giving you some clarity. In this net era, I wanted to reach you through the medium you are comfortable with.

Me: Tell me, why has life become complicated now?


God : Stop analyzing life. Just live it. Analysis is what makes it complicated.

Me: why are we then constantly unhappy?


God : Your today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday. You are worrying because you are analyzing. Worrying has become your habit. That's why you are not happy.

Me: But how can we not worry when there is so much uncertainty?


God : Uncertainty is inevitable, but worrying is optional.

Me: But then, there is so much pain due to uncertainty. .


God : Pain is inevitable able, but suffering is optional.

Me: If suffering is optional, why do good people always suffer?


God : Diamond cannot be polished without friction. Gold cannot be purified without fire. Good people go through trials, but don't suffer. With that experience their life become better not bitter.

Me: You mean to say such experience is useful?

God : Yes. In every term, Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.

Me: But still, why should we go through such tests? Why can't we be free from problems?


God : Problems are Purposeful Roadblocks Offering Beneficial Lessons (to) Enhance Mental Strength. Inner strength comes from struggle and endurance, not when you! Are free from problems.

Me: Frankly in the midst of so many problems, we don't know where we are heading..


God : If you look outside you will not know where you are heading. Look inside. Looking outside, you dream. Looking inside, you awaken. Eyes provide sight. Heart provides insight.

Me: Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt more than moving in the right direction. What should I do?


God : Success is a measure as decided by others. Satisfaction is a measure as decided by you. Knowing the road ahead is more satisfying than knowing you rode ahead. You work with the compass. Let others work with the clock.

Me: In tough times, how do you stay motivated?


God : Always look at how far you have come rather than how far you have to go. Always count your blessing, not what you are missing.

Me: What surprises you about people?


God : when they suffer they ask, "why me?" When they prosper, they never ask "Why me" Everyone wishes to have truth on their side, but few want to be on the side of the truth.

Me: Sometimes I ask, who I am, why am I here. I can't get the answer.


God : Seek not to find who you are, but to determine who you want to be. Stop looking for a purpose as to why you are here. Create it. Life is not a process of discovery but a process of creation.

Me: How can I get the best out of life?


God : Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear.

Me: One last question. Sometimes I feel my prayers are not answered.


God : There are no unanswered prayers. At times the answer is NO.

Me: Thank you for this wonderful chat.

God : Well. Keep the faith and drop the fear. Don't believe your doubts and doubt your beliefs. Life is a mystery to solve not a problem to resolve. Trust me. Life is wonderful if you know how to live. "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that took our breath away!
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This is cute. Try it out.

Why should the wedding ring be worn on the fourth finger?

There is a beautiful and convincing explanation given by the Chinese.....

Thumb represents your Parents
Second (Index) finger represents your Siblings
Middle finger represents your-Self
Fourth (Ring) finger represents your Life Partner
& the Last (Little) finger represents your children

Firstly, open your palms (face to face), bend the middle fingers and hold them together - back to back
Secondly, open and hold the remaining three fingers and the thumb - tip to tip

Now, try to separate your thumbs (representing the parents)..., they will open, because your parents are not destined to live with you lifelong, and have to leave you sooner or later.

Please join your thumbs as before and separate your Index fingers (representing siblings)...., they will also open, because your brothers and sisters will have their own families and will have to lead their own separate lives.

Now join the Index fingers and separate your Little fingers (representing your children)...., they will open too, because the children also will get married and settle down on their own some day.

Finally, join your Little fingers, and try to separate your Ring fingers (representing your spouse).
You will be surprised to see that you just CANNOT....., because Husband & Wife have to remain together all their lives - through thick and thin!!


Please try this out.............
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After having failed his exam in "Logic and Law", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student:"Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my  mark as is and go.If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor:"Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an
"A", as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers:  "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
 

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Men are just simply happier people, and here is why...

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all of your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!
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Did you know this about VODKA ??


1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.  The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving.  The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to
aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka. ( Ppl having foot odour MUST TRY DIS)

13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
                 
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.


- Paritosh
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Once Newton came to India and watched few Tamil movies that had his head
spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a
huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done.

In the movie of Rajanikanth, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went
paranoid. Here are a few scenes

1) Rajanikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured
and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Rajanikanth is shot
in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking
away the tumor along with it and he is cured!

Long

Live Rajanikanth!

2) In another movie, Rajanikanth is confronted with 3 gangsters. Rajanikanth
has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife.

Guess, what he does? He throws the knife at the middle gangster? & shoots the
bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills
both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the
middle one.

3) Rajanikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajanikanth has a revolver but no
bullets in it. Guess what he does. Nah? Not even in your remotest imaginations.
He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Rajanikanth
opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he
closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang...the gangster dies...

This was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely shaken and decided
to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last time, and thought
that at least one movie would follow his theory of physics.

The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't
changed. Oops, not so fast!

The 'climax' finally arrives.

Rajanikanth gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high
wall. So high that Rajanikanth can't jump even if he tries like one of those
superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajanikanth has to
desperately kill the villain because it's the climax.

(Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible?)

Rajanikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He throws one gun in the
air and when the gun has reached above the height of the wall, he uses the
second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air. The first gun
fires off and the villain is dead.

Newton Commits Suicide!!!!!!!!!
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